includes bonus shia spam
1 – Shia Labeouf’s mom was a retard. I hate when movies/shows go for cheap laughs by making one character so unbelievably stupid and socially retarded. If you want me to buy the over the top caricature of a mother sad her son is going away to school, fine. But then when she buys brownies with pot leaves on them from hippies NOT REALISING THEY ARE POT BROWNIES you have lost me. (Guess what audiences, a mother of a 20 something probably went to school in the 60s and 70s. Marijuana isn’t some cool hip thing only kids know about – she was getting baked long before Shia was a twinkle in her eye). Also, her “high behaviour” after eating the brownies was so outrageously not accurate it was almost insulting.
2 – Those weird robots with the bad ebonics and hip hop dialect that didn’t know how to read. Racism, yeah!
3 – Every movie has the obligatory dbag who works for the president/government that wants to fuck everything up. However this movie tried to ‘ground itself in reality’ by mentioning that the president was Obama, so now I’m left to believe that when alien robots attack the earth Obama runs and hides in an underground bunker and sends some representative to tell the good aliens to fuck off and hand a 23 year old kid over to the alien robot terrorists. Yes we can!
4 – Why are Shia and Megan in love? I know in the last movie they decided to get together, but from what I’ve seen all they have in common is that they are both hot and fought robots that one time. Then decided to date. The only conversations they have during the movie are about the robots or about how they should break up. Do they talk about anything else? Do they share common interests? How is this relationship real in any way? What is binding them together? How is this love?
5 – For a movie that had three thousand explosions, car chases, shoot outs, destruction of all major cities, etc etc etc no major characters died. Hell, no minor characters died. In this massive, global attack from alien forces there were ZERO CASUALITIES. All the soldiers made it, the random college students made it, even the fucking parents made it. Why are we even afraid of these aliens they are clearly harmless.
6 – Speaking of his fucking parents, why did they show up at the end fight scene? Why did the robots tap the mom’s phone and then kidnap them in France and then bring them to Egypt an hour later so they could join in on the slo-mo running from explosions?
7 – That hot girl that was secretly a robot? Yeah, I knew she was a robot/bad. You know how I knew? Super hot whorey girls do not obsessively stalk and try to rape a guy they never met before (even if it’s Shia LaBeouf). Sorry Michael Bay, I know I’m ruining some fantasies of yours, but girls. do. not. act. like. that.
8 – Dialogue. I don’t know why I would expect realistic dialogue in a Michael Bay movie (and to be honest, I didn’t) but come on. It’s all ‘snappy’ one-liners like “Kiss this!” or overblown dramatic moments (Shia and his dad in the desert… there’s an epic battle going on guys this is not the time for a heart to heart) or my PET PEEVE IN ALL MOVIES the “for no particular reason I will give a plot summary through dialogue revealing everything that is going on.” For example, the obligatory government dbag at the beginning of the movie explaining to the room of army guys where all the top secret classified alien artifacts are – sure everyone in the room already knows because they are the ones running the operation, but JUST IN CASE the bad guys are listening they now know and the plot can progress! Yay!
9 – The bad guys wanted to blow up the sun. I don’t know why. Why are bad guys obsessed with destroying the sun? I mean if even Mr Burns has given it a go, it’s tired. Find a new shtick for your villain.
10 – Okay, so way back at the dawn of time or whatever the giant alien robots came to earth with some laser sun-destroying machine thing and left it in Egypt and built some pyramids over top to hide it. Alright, I’ll buy it. Now here’s the kicker – once in the pyramids, Shia & co are like “it can’t be here! Archeologists have explored these thoroughly! We must be at a dead end!” (which makes sense), only to discover they were at the right place and the machine was hidden… behind a wall. Archeologists never thought to look behind a wall? With all the technology today no one used any kind of sonar or mapping systems or whatever it is these people use to look inside pyramids? The intricacies of a WALL blocked everyone from seeing the space age robot machine?
11 – Shia was brought back to life by Megan Fox’s acting. Okay, on the one hand it was kind of awesome to see her try and emote, in an “aww, bless her, she’s really trying” kind of way, but if Shia had just stayed dead I would have absolutely zero reason to suffer through the inevitable third film.
12- Why was his stupid roommate there like, the whole time?
13 – It took until the end of the movie (two and a half hours later) until someone came up with the idea to fix Optimus Prime by giving him a new battery and some spare parts. A robot ‘died’ and they really never thought “hey why don’t we just look under the hood, grab some jumper cables and get this thing going again?’ It wasn’t until Shia died and went to robot heaven where the robot elders told him to fix Optimus with the battery dust that was reforming back into... I'm sorry that sentence is too ridiculous for me to continue.
14 – Why is Shia the “chosen one” so to speak, who had to be the one to save them all? Personally it seemed more that he was in the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time, but the robot elders were like “it has always been you! It must be you!” Why? Why must it have been him? What specifically did Shia say or do that made him the only one to be able to give Optimus an energy boost?
15 – The robot that humped Megan Fox’s leg. Really.
16 – THE CAMERA WORK OH DEAR GOD. It’s like Michael Bay stayed up all night watching AMC and scribbled notes from fifteen different movies of what he though “looked cool” and then overused them all. Hey, army guys are doing some kind of army mission? Okay, shaky camera the whole time because it looks gritty and real, right? Feeling woozy yet? No? Okay, now it’s romantic scene where the camera spins around the couple nonstop… oh now you’re starting to feel sick, right? Awesome!
17 – On a similar note, the whole “silhouette of Megan Fox in front of the sun which is shining and blinds the camera for a second” was totally less obnoxious than it was in the first one. Still obnoxious, just less.
18 – For a summer blockbuster action adventure movie, it was really kind of boring. I spent a lot of time texting and wishing I had just seen Star Trek again.
19 - It was stupid. The plot, or lack thereof, was stupid. The lines were stupid. The jokes were stupid. It was a stupid, stupid movie. I know everyone responds with “well it’s an action movie about robots, it’s supposed to be stupid!” Well, no. Action movies don’t have to be mindless idiocy. The newer Batman movies are dark and complex. Star Trek had character development and jokes that weren’t all about dry humping and racial stereotypes. The Lord of the Rings won fucking Oscars and it’s about elves and shit. The Bourne movies are quick-paced and action packed without being rushed or messy. Iron Man had a cast consisting almost exclusively of Academy Award winners and nominees. Just because it’s about robots or explosions doesn’t excuse weak plots, poor scripts and a joke of a cast.
Things I (on some level) kind of enjoyed about Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen
1 – How half-assed the inclusion of Shia’s broken hand was. Everyone is magically transported to Egypt thanks to the old man Transformer hidden in the Smithsonian (also this movie & Night at the Museum 2 have taught me that the Smithsonian DOES NOT HAVE ANY NIGHT GUARDS feel free to break in and do what you want) and everyone is fine, except Shia who goes “ahh my hand!” and then the next scene Megan Fox has fashioned him a cast out of… what? Did someone just happen to have a first aid kit on them before they traveled to the middle of the desert? Are there stacks of band aids and gauze buried under the sand all across Egypt? I laughed.
2 – Shia had a Bad Boy’s 2 poster in his dorm room.
… that’s about it.